{"id":11119,"date":"2016-01-27T13:02:44","date_gmt":"2016-01-27T19:02:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hcstx.org\/?p=11119"},"modified":"2016-01-27T13:02:44","modified_gmt":"2016-01-27T19:02:44","slug":"humor-isis-blames-suicide-bomber-life-insurance-for-financial-woes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thetacticalhermit.com\/index.php\/2016\/01\/27\/humor-isis-blames-suicide-bomber-life-insurance-for-financial-woes\/","title":{"rendered":"Humor:  ISIS Blames Suicide Bomber Life Insurance for Financial Woes"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em><strong>I almost peed myself on this one. Hilarious. -SF<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-11120\" src=\"https:\/\/hcsblogdotorg.files.wordpress.com\/2016\/01\/6.jpg?w=620\" alt=\"6\" width=\"620\" height=\"348\" \/><\/p>\n<p>AL-RAQQAH, Syria\u00a0\u2014 The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) today announced serious <a href=\"http:\/\/money.cnn.com\/2016\/01\/19\/news\/world\/isis-salary-cuts\/\">financial difficulties<\/a> for the so-called\u00a0caliphate. A spokesman for the apocalyptic death worshippers\u00a0cited crippling costs associated with the Suicide Bomber Group Life Insurance (SBGLI) program.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIn retrospect, fifteen goats was probably too generous a benefit to pay out to survivors,\u201d said Mohammad Anwar, a spokesman for ISIS.<\/p>\n<p>The SBGLI program was implemented as part of a benefits package for ISIS militants, which also includes health insurance, annual leave, and a prayer rug allowance. The SBGLI program provides payouts to surviving beneficiaries of militants who blast themselves into pink mist amidst a crowd of infidels.<\/p>\n<p>The payout is compounded for militants with multiple surviving wives, as each wife receives the full benefit instead of a fractional amount. The policy\u2019s sustainability is a source of concern among senior ISIS leadership.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI mean, each militant is already set to receive seventy-two virgins upon their glorious entrance into the afterlife,\u201d said Anwar. \u201cDo their five surviving wives\u00a0<i>really\u00a0<\/i>need a total of seventy-five goats among\u00a0them? Is the prospect of their deceased husband deflowering seventy-two virgins for eternity not comfort enough?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The costs of the SBGLI program have had a snowball effect, leading to an international goat shortage and skyrocketing prices. ISIS is currently hemorrhaging financial resources in order to meet payout requirements, and is proposing a reduction in benefits in order to maintain the program\u2019s solvency.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPerhaps two goats and three chickens,\u201d offered Anwar.<\/p>\n<p>The proposed reduction in benefits is not sitting well with ISIS militants. At press time, many ISIS militants were seen prematurely blowing themselves up in protest.<\/p>\n<p>Read the Original Article at<strong><a href=\"http:\/\/www.duffelblog.com\/2016\/01\/isis-bankruptcy-suicide-bomber-insurance\/?utm_source=Duffel+Blog+Fans&amp;utm_campaign=105cd19bbd-Duffel_Blog_Daily&amp;utm_medium=email&amp;utm_term=0_6d392bc034-105cd19bbd-23814417&amp;goal=0_6d392bc034-105cd19bbd-23814417&amp;mc_cid=105cd19bbd&amp;mc_eid=22936229f9\"> Duffel Blog<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<div id=\"ld-4188-5220\"><\/div>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I almost peed myself on this one. Hilarious. -SF AL-RAQQAH, Syria\u00a0\u2014 The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) today announced serious financial difficulties for the so-called\u00a0caliphate. A spokesman for the apocalyptic death worshippers\u00a0cited crippling costs associated with the Suicide Bomber Group Life Insurance (SBGLI) program. \u201cIn retrospect, fifteen goats was probably too generous a&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[2382,2417,2413],"tags":[4084],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thetacticalhermit.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11119"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thetacticalhermit.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thetacticalhermit.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thetacticalhermit.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thetacticalhermit.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11119"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/thetacticalhermit.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11119\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thetacticalhermit.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11119"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thetacticalhermit.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11119"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thetacticalhermit.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11119"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}